Key Takeaways: 

• Setbacks aren't always something we’ve done wrong. Changing how we view them (ie: as something we can expect, not predict) changes everything.
• Processing emotions like grief helps us acknowledge setbacks as simply life's variance, helping us pivot and fail forward into post-traumatic growth.
• Our brains' negativity bias is a survival mechanism, but self-compassion is neurologically necessary for recovery.
• Sometimes, a fresh setback isn't a sign you're failing, but proof you've actually leveled up in the game of life.
• Even a "no" may simply mean not yet, transforming setbacks into powerful learning tools if you approach them with the right mindset.

Ever feel like life just dealt you a bad hand? You're crushing it in your dream career, then BAM – an unexpected market downturn vaporizes your rainy day fund. Or you've poured years into a relationship, only for it to go up in flames without a flicker of warning. Those moments can really lay you out emotionally, leaving you feeling demoralized, your confidence scattered like chips after a brutal pot.

But what if that crushing bust isn't the final hand? What if it's a Sliding Doors moment: an invitation to play a better game?

The Setup: Expecting Variance  

Setbacks can’t always be predicted, but they can (and probably should) be expected.

You know how some things in poker are just out of your control? That's variance – the natural ups and downs, the good luck and the bad, all swirling around in the same game. 

Off the felt, life's chaos can make it just as tough to keep a level head. We might even try to blame ourselves for the fall, hoping it gives us some sense of control.

But here's the deal: setbacks aren't a moral failing. They're just part of playing the long game – and how we see them changes everything.

The Flop: How Your Brain Responds as the Cards Fall 

Sure, a momentary lapse in focus, some serious fatigue, or a flash of high emotion can make us stumble. But deep down, our brains actually experience setbacks as a stress response. (See? Not a personal inadequacy, just your biology kicking in!)

When reality doesn't match our expectations, it's like a tiny short-circuit. According to psychiatrist Dr. Tracey Marks, this cues a dopamine crash, sapping your get-up-and-go and scrambling your prefrontal cortex – that's your brain's planning and decision-making hub. Meanwhile, your amygdala, the brain's alarm system, goes into overdrive, tagging that setback as a full-blown threat.

The Turn: Finding Strength in the Power Struggle

“You have to learn how to lose before you can learn how to win.” – Liv Boeree

Here's a tricky bit: our brains are hardwired to hang onto these uncomfortable moments. That negativity bias kicking in after a setback is actually part of our survival toolkit. Back in the day, remembering which poisonous plant made us sick meant we wouldn't eat it again. Smart, right?

Today, some experts believe it takes three positive experiences for every one negative just to keep your mental health and well-being optimal. That’s a 3:1 ratio!

Ready to collect what's left of your mental chips and play the hand you've been dealt? These intentional moves can help:

1. Identify your emotions. Awareness is everything. “If you can’t see the technical, mental, or emotional holes, then you’re going to eventually fall into them, and likely repeatedly,” says mental game coach Jared Tendler. Take a beat, pause, and look at your patterns. It'll help you make a much more informed play.
2. Accept and move forward. Trying to stuff down your true feelings can send you straight into an emotional tilt, frustrating you to the point you make another poor play. Make space for your feelings. Let them be as big as they need to be. Just be sure to sit with them, not in them and get stuck. Staying in denial or living in the past is “​​similar to standing in quicksand,” shares Dr. Tricia Cardner, “the sooner you come to accept the situation, the better it’s going to go for you. It’s the struggle that pulls you down.” So, fold 'em if you need to, then deal the next hand.
3. Flip the tables. How would a seasoned mentor or an elder look at this situation? Sometimes, a change in perspective is all you need to see a new hand.
4. Be creative and adaptable. Don't limit yourself at this stage! Coming up with fresh ideas can get you buzzing, energizing you for the next micro-move. 
5. Make being present your continuous play. Financial Behavior Specialist, Derek Hagen plays it out: “Focus your attention on the idea that our experiences are finite, and we ought to appreciate them while they're happening…We only get a certain number of experiences, positive and negative. Framing setbacks as something you get to do instead of something that you have to do changes how you will [see] that problem.” Every moment counts, just like every card.
6. Learn from every move. Only focusing on the outcome limits your view. Embrace failure and imperfection as the ultimate teacher, instead of something to fear. It's how you unlock real growth and new possibilities.
7. Apply your own meaning. You're the dealer of meaning for all your life experiences. While uncertainty is part of the game, it's not your job to know the unknowable. What is within your control is giving meaning to your experiences. This reframes the setback with purpose, so it doesn't become a blocker.
8. Stop the self-critisism. Again, Dr. Tracey Marks: “Self-compassion isn't just a nice idea, it's neurologically necessary for recovery. Research shows that self-criticism activates the same threat systems we're already trying to calm down, but compassion activates your brain's caregiving system, which helps restore emotional balance and reengage your prefrontal cortex."
9. Grieve, breathe and reset your dopamine. Allowing ourselves to grieve what has passed is a vital step, as evidence shows simply suppressing negative emotions is ineffective. When faced with stress, intentional deep breathing acts as a powerful tool to calm the body's fight-or-flight response, signaling safety and enabling recovery. Additionally, engaging in activities like novelty, movement, and genuine connection can help naturally reset and rebalance our dopamine levels, fostering a sense of well-being.
10. Be prepared to pivot more than once. Sometimes a setback is really more of a redirect. By focusing on the signals and reevaluating your goal, you may actually find it puts you on a winning path, even if it takes a few extra turns at the table.

The River: Bouncing Back and Failing Forward 

One liberating reframe? Sometimes a fresh setback isn't a sign you're failing, but proof you've leveled up in the game of life.

Think about it: maybe you once grappled with tilt or self-doubt. Now, you might be facing stumbling blocks caused by overconfidence. And honestly? That's a good problem to have. It's evidence you've truly evolved in your mental game. You've conquered earlier stages and are now encountering more nuanced, next-level challenges. This means you're not repeating old mistakes, but growing into new ones – and that's a significant win in Jared Tendler’s book. 

Another powerful way to approach setbacks? Turn that pain into purpose. As Bill Irvine, author of “The Stoic Challenge,” points out in The Happiness Lab, "There's also lots of evidence for what's called post-traumatic growth, which is like after some nasty event you feel better, you feel more resilient, you feel stronger. In many cases you feel more socially connected... even in the midst of really bad stuff, we can start to feel better with the right strategies."

The Showdown: No May Mean Not Yet

Finally, consider this ultimate reframe: "No" may simply be not yet. It doesn't mean you won't rake in the winning pot you're after, just that you may have to wait a few more rounds.

In the meantime, focus on tweaking your mindset to leverage setbacks as the learning tool they truly are. Let them point you towards how to strategize your next big play.